May is Mental Health Awareness month and I would like to shed some light on it since I know what it feels like to have a disorder as well as depression. I used to be so scared to talk about it but I’m hoping by sharing my story I can add onto ending the stigma about mental health.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

For as long as I could remember I always felt different. I never knew why I would be sad even when things seemed to be going right? I think it’s hard to understand what someone is going through when on the outside things look perfect. For years, I continued to feel like crap especially when it came to my body. I felt trapped in this body I did not want and constantly being made fun of for how short I was didn’t help either. It felt dehumanizing to say the least.

When I became a teenager I noticed my body rapidly changing and my hunger growing as well. I remember feeling ugly, gaining weight, the pressure of feeling like I had to keep up with my peers and on top of everything seeing my parents relationship beginning to fall apart. The one thing that got me through those times was my eating disorder. I loved having control over something and it felt like I was at peace when I saw my body beginning to get smaller. I felt on top of the world for once and like I actually had something to myself. I didn’t think I had a problem until one my best friends confronted me about it. I appreciated her concern and started realizing it was a problem which led to me telling my mom.

Even though the truth came forward and my mom offered to help I assured her I was fine. I ended up quitting for a bit but quickly fell into old habits on the down low. This continued on for a while and I gave myself “breaks” from my eating disorder to feel like I was “getting better.” When I went in for a physical one day my doctor noticed something was off. She kept asking me questions and digging deeper into my life when I finally caved. She gave me resources to therapists and support groups in which I did find one I ended up going to for a bit. There was a few years in between where I stopped giving in to my ED but I still felt sad. I continued to feel this way for the longest time and fell into one of the most depressing seasons of my life in 2016.

Even though so many good things happened that year I couldn’t help but constantly feel anxious, depressed, lonely and worthless. I felt like that year I was in a dark cloud and didn’t feel like leaving my house at times. I knew something had to change because I couldn’t imagine this is how life was going to be from now on. It was when my now husband told me that maybe I should try going on medication for it. I ended up trying it and it made such a difference. I used to think that if someone was on Prozac it was a sign of weakness but sure enough I soon discovered it. Does it help? Yes. Although, it’s not a magic pill that takes away depression fully I find it to help me function through the day. Do I get depressed still? Yes, sometimes. One thing that’s helped was talking about it.

Even in the roughest of times too I found my relationship with God beginning to grow. I remember stumbling upon Psalm 91 a few years ago and coming across a verse which really resonated with me. In verse 4 it goes, “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” I felt his love and comfort for once in my life. I felt the Lord’s embrace and my purpose for being here. When I feel my depression coming on I remember to meditate on this verse, pray, workout, talk to a loved one, cuddle my dogs or write out my blessings. I found by doing these things it has has been therapeutic for me.

I want you to know if you feel like you need help, don’t be afraid to seek it. It’s a scary thought to take the step into getting help but I encourage you to not feel alone and seek professional treatment. If you’re not sure where to start I left some resources down below.

Resources for Mental Health:
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help
https://www.namiurbanla.org/
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/its-mental-health-awareness-month